The telephone must be one of the devil’s best inventions. It’s a true necessary evil if ever there was such a thing. After almost three decades of juggling phones, I’ve mastered taming the demon device.
As good as I’ve gotten, my customers have pretty much remained the same, or should I say categorically the same. Enjoy reading these phone calls that I’ve received over the years. They are too absurd to make up.
I was calling – Duh
This is probably the most common of all initial responses from our customers after we answer the phone. It goes like this, “Yes, I was calling and, uhhh…” Every time I hear this, I can’t keep myself from a slight snort-laugh. For years and years, I’ve always wanted to reply, “Is that the reason my phone was ringing?”
Pete and repeat
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark.”
Caller: “Is this Wholesale Parts and Service?”
Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”
Caller: “Can I speak to Mark?”
Information directory
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark.”
Caller: “ Yes, umm, hey, would you guys know the phone number for Autozone?”
Me: (long silent pause) “You do know this is Wholesale Parts and Service, right?”
Caller: “Yes I do. I need to call Autozone to see if they’ll price match you guys.”
Me: “Oh, I see, well, in that case, let’s both hang up, and you call the same number you just called, I’ll answer the phone “Auto Zone,” and give you the same exact price.”
Caller: “Umm, wouldn’t I just be calling you back?”
Me: “Yes, but fortunately, we phone-number match. It’s a new concept.”
Missing person locator
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark.”
Caller: “Has Jim been in there yet?”
Me: “Jim who?”
Caller: “Jim, my husband”
Me: “Who am I speaking to ma’am?”
Caller: “I’m his wife”
Me: “What’s your last name?”
Caller: “Oh no, our last name is not “Watts,” it’s Wilson.”
Me: (stupefied long silence). I’m sorry, I have not seen him yet.”
Caller: “If you do, tell him to get some milk on his way home.”
Time traveler
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark.”
Caller: “What time do you guys close?”
Me: “5 p.m.”
Caller: “What time is it now?”
Me: “4 p.m.”
Caller: “Do you think I can make it before you close?”
Me: “I don’t know, where do you live?”
Caller: “With my girlfriend.”
Me: “Where, like your location, town, etc.”
Caller: “Sorry, her house is right beside her Mom’s.”
Me: “What’s the name of the town?”
Caller: “The name of the town is Wilson, sorry dude, it’s about 10 minutes from you. Watts is well over an hour away, I know I couldn’t make it in time if we lived there!”
Me: (silence again, but longer). “Buddy, you can make it I’m sure.”
Caller: “My name is Bob, not “Buddy,” Mike. The only problem is I’ve got three beers left, I’ve got to stop and get more on the way, and some smokes. Could you wait for me, like, 15 to 20 minutes over?”
Oblivious wrong number
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark.”
Caller: “Am I the 10th caller?”
Me: “Excuse me, sir?”
Caller: “Has anyone won those Randy Travis tickets yet?”
Me: “Sir this is not the radio station, maybe you were listening to the radio, and heard our ad, and wrote down the wrong phone number.”
Caller: “Man, I was really wanting to take my little step-sister to that concert. Are you sure I’m not the 10th caller?”
The Sherlock Holmes
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark.”
Caller: “Ed, I’ve got Pep Boys on the phone (hold on a minute), Ed! Ed! Hurry up!”
Ed: “I’m coming Mary, hang on dammit!”
Me: “This is Wholesale Parts and Service, but I’m sure we can help.”
Mary (previously referred to as ‘Caller’) “Ed won’t know the difference. Ed! What did you want to ask him?”
Ed: “I need some stuff for my truck!”
Mary: “He wants something for his truck. You guys sell truck parts?”
Me: “Yes. What kind of truck”
Mary: “What kind of truck, Ed?”
Ed (who’s obviously sitting right beside Mary): “It’s a Ford”
Mary: “It’s a Ford. Red.”
Me: “What year and is it a ½ ton, ¾, or 1 ton?”
Mary: “How heavy is your truck, Ed?”
Ed (yelling): “Hell’s fire, what kinda question is that? Who the hell knows right off the top of their head how much a 1981 F250 4WD weighs.”
Mary: “He’s not sure, but I’d say it’s pretty heavy.”
Me: “Well, I heard him say it’s a 1981 F250, it’s ok, what does he need for it?”
Mary: “What did you need for the truck, Ed?”
Ed: “A tie rod”
Mary: “A tie rack.”
Me: “Inner, Outer?”
Mary: “Inside or outside, Ed.”
Ed: “Who the hell are you talking to? There ain’t no tie rods on the inside of the truck.”
Mary: “It must be the outside tie rod from the way he’s acting.”
Me: “Which side of the truck, left or right?”
Mary: “Which side of the truck, Ed, left or right?”
Ed: “The side facing the creek, whatever side that is.”
Mary: “He parked it next to the creek, and it’s that one.”
Me: “Where to you live, Mary?”
Mary: “On the North Fork of the Cherry River.”
Me: “You live on the east or west side of the river?”
Mary: “I’m pretty sure it’s the west side.”
Me: “Is the truck pointed down stream or up stream?”
Mary: “Down stream. Yep, I just looked.”
Ed (screaming): “What the hell are you going on about? Are you talking to Google Maps or something? All I needed was an outer tie rod. “
Me: “So, you need a tie-rod tie rack for a pretty heavy 81 F250 on the outside of the truck that’s facing the creek and the truck is pointing downstream on the west side of the North Fork of the Cherry River. Yes, I have one, it’s in stock, $19.95.”
Mary: “Are you sure? We’ve called everywhere, no one seems to know what we are talking about!”
Ed: “Mary, I told you they were all the same. These part stores are all stupid.”
Soccer mom with Tourette’s Syndrome
Me: “Wholesale Parts and Service, this is Mark”
Caller: “ Yes, do you have … ($%&! sakes, will you two sit down) a battery for my car?”
Me: “What kind of vehicle do you need a battery for?”
Mom: (formerly referred to as caller), “It a 99 Dodge …(I’m gonna whip some @#@) Caravan.”
Me: “What size engine?”
Mom: “It’s a 3.8 liter …(That’s it, you little #%&#’s, I’m telling you dad, $$#@&!) V-6 engine!
Me: “Yes we do. It’s $89.95.”
Mom: “Good I’ll be … (Becky, quit pulling your sisters &%#4*@* hair, $^%@&&!$!) right over.”
Me: “Do you need us to install it for you?”
Mom: “ (Holy $#%$, you guys just spilled your sodas? $@%@##!$!) Yes, please.
Obviously, being a good parts professional requires awesome communication skills. Do I hear your phones ringing? Go sell something.
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