Write the rules for your life and be willing to break them

Feb. 28, 2018
There are so many rules that are governing your life that prevent you from getting the things you really want. All of these rules were written by someone else and you do not have to live according to those rules

Every one of us live our lives according to a set of rules. Some of these rules come from our parents or the people who raised us. Some of our rules come from our religious beliefs and others come from the legislative process of the city, state or country we live. Rules are defined as a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere. 

Rules are intended to create discipline, direction, shape behavior, create expectations and raise awareness. Some rules are created to keep us safe. Rules are intended to make life more predictable. I have often said to people that I coach, “Rules are for unaware people.” It is important for us to get to a clear understanding what I mean when I make that statement.

One of the biggest reasons rules are very necessary is because the one commodity that is in short supply with most people is accepting personal responsibility for their behaviors and the choices they make.

As a human being, you are managing yourself every day in every relationship by your set of rules. Many of these rules were learned from other human beings and events that have shaped your rule book. As a rule some of you see yourself as a risk-taker and as a result there are times that you will take a risk and break the rules.

Some of you see yourself as risk adverse and rarely if ever will you break the rules. Breaking the rules just for the sake of breaking the rules is not a healthy approach, however, in order to get things that you have never had, you must be willing to do things that you have never done. If you never break the rules you will live a predictable life on auto-pilot and never grow as a person or ever create unreasonable positive possibilities. Rules create limitations that keep us from truly living a purposeful life and rules ultimately become our excuses for why we did not realize our biggest dreams.

My question to you in this present moment is whose rules are you living by? Someone’s rule for you may be that you are worthless, not worthy of love or to be successful. If you are living by their rules for you, then you will not feel worth it, worthy of love or be successful in your life.

If you are choosing to allow yourself to live according to the rules others have placed on you, shame on you, not shame on them. No one gets to write the rules by which you live your life without you giving them permission to do so.

I have experienced some very tough times in my life because others expected me to live by their rules. I have had relatives and friends who played by rules that did not work for me, so I broke those rules. 

I have met people who will not date or marry outside of their race or religion because of traditional rules. I chose to break that rule. Someone had a rule that black men were not smart enough to fly airplanes and helicopters, I choose to break that rule.

Many statistics say that as a young black man growing up in a single parent home, that my chances of being successful were very low. I chose to break that rule.

There are so many rules that are governing your life that prevent you from getting the things you really want in your life. All of these rules were written by someone else and you do not have to live according to those rules. It is absolutely ok for you to break those rules to get to what you want from life.

Breaking rules for the sole purpose of proving someone wrong is ultimately a negative approach. If proving someone wrong is your only driver for success, you will not experience more success unless someone continues to show up and tell you that you cannot do something. If someone’s rules present a barrier to your success, breakthrough it while focused on the positive outcome that you want. The benefits you will receive from this approach will become your driver. 

How can you know when to break a rule? The best way to know is to set a specific positive outcome. This outcome will contextualize and identify what behaviors and choices you will need to move you forward.

I was working with one of my 1:1 coaching clients that set an outcome to be more positive at work and at home. During one of our coaching sessions he complained to me that he had three co-workers that were incredibly negative and he had spoken to them about his outcome to be more positive and they chose to continue to be negative. He said the three of them regularly complained about their boss and company policies. He said they often spoke negatively about other employees and social issues.

When I asked him why he continued to remain in a relationship with these three negative co-workers, he said, “It would be rude for me to just walk away from the relationships.” Identifying walking away from unhealthy, negative relationships as rude is someone else’s rule. If you set an outcome to be more positive and you have taken the time to make these individuals aware of your commitment to be more positive and they choose not to honor your commitment, you will need to break the rule that says it would be rude to sever those relationships. When you set positive outcomes, you will be faced with making some changes. If you are unwilling to break the rules in that moment, you will not achieve your outcome.

You must understand that the only person you have 100% control over is you. If you are waiting for others to change in order for you to have the life you want, not shame on them if they won’t change, shame on you.

You will never be able to be positive enough to make a person that is choosing to be negative, become positive. If they ever become positive, it will be because they choose to be positive. Some of you have rules that make you feel it is noble to keep these people in your life with the hope that one day they will change. If that is your choice then you have a right to live by those rules, however, be aware that in the many years I have been doing this work the result most people have received from managing their expectation that this person will change is disappointment. 

I don’t know what rules you are going to need to break to live a happier, more fulfilled life, however, I encourage you to take the risk of breaking those rules, focused on a specific outcome. If you risk nothing, then you are risking everything.

Break the rules today and be more successful professionally regardless of your gender or skin color. Break the rules and love yourself completely whether anyone else will or not. Break the rules today and go back to school and get that degree, break the rules and be the parent your children need to become healthy human beings, break the rules and create the best relationship beyond what you thought was possible. Break ALL of the rules and make the impossible, possible, and the unrealistic, realistic.

What rules will you break today? How will breaking those rules benefit you in a positive way? Unless you are willing to set a positive outcome and break those rules you will never produce a different outcome. If the risk you are taking and the choices you make are not challenging your rules then nothing will change. Time to get after it!

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